Every iota of my being during the morning workout was pining towards Madedonian Pirin. Gate of the south of Europe.
I am becoming Spartan about this; very little room for Athenian equivocation. As I look around myself and think carefully, with perhaps some heightened perception, given recent spectacular adversity, the problem with my country doesn't seem to be the bad parts, or the bad people, but the general cast of mind. An indolence, sustained by general prosperity, which is easily focused on objects of greed, or ideas broadcast on the television networks. This isn't incidental or accidental -- this sort of neutral, pragmatic (Kant: pragmatic as precursor to moral sensibility; this sense precisely is the one taken up by the American pragmatists of the early 20th c.) cast of mind is an essential part of the post-war plan in which ideas as ideas can't take hold. Problem is, virtue, truth, and honesty are all rather abstract concepts.
So there's a lot of corruption, yes, amid a lot of prosperity. But the problem, the thing that heaven would smite if the heavens still thought themselves valid arbiters of human sensibility, is this idle, indolent emptiness of mind.
"It is required you do awake your faith."
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Realized this morning that the thing that I'm attempting to attain, a working situation abroad, using far less funding that would be required for a similar setup stateside, while being much more rewarding culturally, is thought a luxury good. I assure you, if you spent some months in the most modest accommodations available in Bosnia, Albania, Romania, et al., you would not have this notion. But it is the general notion in the society. Much as I realized weith a dull shock while doing the predawn runs in Illinois that NYC, which to me stood for difficult housing, scrimping by, waiting hours in audition lines, and finding it almost impossible to do even the smallest roles in the most modest theatres, was thought of as a luxury destination in those parts, meaning that my pining for the city that had kicked the tar out of me for almost two decades would be thought presumptuous, something only the wealthy should aspire to. The same cognitive dissonance happens with theatre generally; it's a very basic activity and art that I understand very, very well -- but in the US it is priced as a luxury good, so when I express my desire towards it, it just seems a longing for the pots of gold for which everyone pines.
In sum, quite frustrating. I would be very happy to return to the days of reading philosophy while drinking kefir on a rooftop cafe over a supermarket in Bosnia, or sipping an inexpensive Americano on the sidelines of a glitzy mall in Romania. These aren't pipe dreams; they're elements of a minimal existence. But to speak of them brings thoughts of luxury vacations to the American mind.
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I see the Illinois peach-basket team has made it to the semifinals of the national tournament. Don't underestimate the danger of these immense institutions. Many of them are the largest landowners in their respective states, and the penetration of the political mechanism, combined with pure economic force (technological research, etc.) make them analogous to the worst of the English pre-reformation monasteries -- and there's corresponding corruption to be found there, I assure you.
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Brief game reset:
Unbelievable levels of adversity for many years, over a decade, during which I've kept absolute spiritual, intellectual and physical discipline. Unknown, and likely unknowable source, but I have a few notions as to the first cause of such things.
Attempting to get back to southern Europe in a digital nomad capacity, but the freelancing work level isn't high enough to support it.
I've come to see myself as a sort of American Navalny (remember, he was a patriot of his country). I have a top-tier JD with strong grades and a top conservatory degree with many years of professional work, but all roads have been blocked to me for many years, and I'm unable to find employment sufficient even for a basic existence. So the times are very difficult, and have been so for many years. I am almost certain that this is political -- see the note attached to my online CV for a brief description of how I've resisted participating in some rather corrupt practices at these large institutions.
So, what's to come is still unsure. My thoughts are now entirely on the Balkans, despite the lack of paths leading there. Unless an opportunity to do real work turns up stateside, I need to leave for an extended period as soon as possible (considerations of mens sana and corpore sano).
The event will decide.